I've fought with it for far too long. I've come to realize that I live in one of the most gorgeous places I've been to. I'm extremely blessed and I use that word without any certain religious connotations. Some days I wake up and know that I could be the luckiest man in the world and other days it's a struggle to realize any personal worth.
I stepped outside today at around 8:30 and felt the nip of an oncoming winter. My breath hung like smoke around my face as I propelled myself on my bicycle to work. I set up a small card table outside where I work and started wrapping books in plastic book covers, drinking coffee and listening to This American Life. The chill in the air, the self-propellment, and working with one's hands. It's all hard to explain, but small things can mean a lot.
I reminisce a lot while I'm at work. I miss my friends from college and from Evansville. I miss playing my drums and creating music I love with people I love. The many months I have been in Durango have been spent in search of something. I want to know what I need to do and where I should go next. I can point out so many instances in my life where I've been extremely happy. I could recreate similar circumstances by going back to these places, but, as they say, "You can never go home again." Once these moments are realized, they are gone. Why must they be taken away? Could I go back to Bloomington/college, do it again and have just as much happiness as I did have? Can I go back to Evansville and pick my music back up where I left off?
But all of these are just idle considerations. What matters now is that I am still moving myself forward.
I'm learning Spanish and doing so quickly, which is motivating. The book club I started seems as if it is actually working and generating new interest in new members, and I'm reading/studying many things I never got the chance or opportunity to in school.
I also want to take a moment here to thank a man that has been a source of inspiration and admiration - John Linnemeier. He took me outside of the United States for the first time to Guatemala. That trip truly changed my life. He showed me how travel can be the most fulfilling action one can do. He showed me how to be happy and how to be kind. I don't think I've come across a more kind man and a more accepting one either. If you haven't yet, please take the time to check out his book on Amazon. I would also suggest you purchase it. It's a great read and very entertaining. The book is a collection of vignettes from the most interesting man I've met. Follow the link here: http://www.amazon.com/How-Average-Lived-Adventurous-Life/dp/1438912803/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1286996052&sr=8-2
Currently reading:
Italo Calvino - If on a winter's night a traveller
Henry Miller - Tropic of Cancer
Vladimir Nabokov - Lolita (for book club)
Just finished rereading Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoevsky
If you've made it this far, just know that I leave these things unedited and don't reread them. Maybe I should. I'm probably embarrassing myself.
you do good things!
ReplyDeleteDefinitely NOT embarrassing yourself! You are a good writer -- you brought tears to my eyes. And just know that you are doing exactly what you should be doing in exactly the right place. Growth isn't always easy, but it is necessary, and that's what you are doing now. Learning, exploring, growing. You'll find the way as long as you keep doing exactly that. LOVE from EVV!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Kathie. I'd like to come home especially around Thanksgiving or Christmas, but it seems money is a hot commodity these days. Apparently, one needs a lot of money to fly from here to Evansville. Damn money. What a dumb idea.
ReplyDeleteNathan, great post. I enjoy reading you, and I like the fact that you don't edit yourself. That impresses me. I have an itch to write, also. But as I write, I continually question myself. I also edit as I go. The post you just wrote would take me a good hour, or possibly more, due to my continual internal editing process. I'll let you guess how long it took me to write THIS! I'm sorry you may not make it home for the holidays! But we will all understand if you can't get here. I've spent a few of them out of town, as well. Keep up the writing and moving forward.
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